Here I am, writing once again.

It seems only fit to do this when things are going not so good. Writing about happiness doesn’t really float my boat. Everyone can be happy, and without being at the extreme end of that spectrum, what difference does it make?

Today, well yesterday now, she decided that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me any longer. I can’t blame her for it though. Shit has really sucked as of lately. She said she was going to talk about it over our sushi dinner yesterday, or the other day, which would be Friday now, and I wouldn’t have appreciated that much at all. I don’t know what it is about her but she always thinks its best to break up over a fucking meal.

What kind of logic is that? I would rather receive that kind of information over a text message. Especially when the relationship is in the condition that this one is in.
She says she can no longer stand my “negativity”, and my constant badgering about what she does and how she does it. And that we aren’t making each other happy.
However, when I agree, which I do, she says that I’m less of a man for not being honest with her and telling her the truth, that I didn’t want to be with her anymore.
Im like… WTF?

I mean, I am a man of my word. And my seed is my word. And if I have one on the way, I would stick it out to make it better for my child no matter what it is.
Yet, she always says these things. And then, when I agree, goes off about how I should’ve told her that I wanted to do what she just said she wanted to do.

I know, I understand, its confusing. But it’s only confusing because it makes no fucking sense.

Maybe she feels that I’m not exerting enough emotion into the situation that we’re in. So as she goes through her emotional peaks and valleys, she has to find a way to pull me into it as well.
I try. I really do. I put myself through insanity to remain faithful and stable in this union I’ve created with someone who it losing their grip on reality and so forth.

I was going to stick it out. I really was, I was preparing myself to begin setting a foundation for a family with all 3 children. But her inner hate, bitterness, disgust, and lack of love, which I guess is slightly different from hate, prohibits her from being able to appreciate the situation she is in.

I once read that a bitter, negative woman, or any person for that matter loses energy from their heart when they are so angry and so emotional like that. This loss of energy keeps them from being able to be happy, it makes it difficult to heal themselves with love.
She has to realize that I can’t love her any more than she already loves herself.

And I think that all of her past decisions have finally caught up with her, and now she has to deal with the karma.
Of course, she would find some way to blame me for her predicament, if she was asked. Somehow, some kind of way I would be the cause.
I am always the cause.
People who live the “carefree” life, have a much different debt to pay back when its time to pay.
All of the partying, the sex, the drugs, the alcohol, and things of that nature are worth nothing down the line. Other than some pretty sweet, blurred, incomplete memories.
I guess when we do finally kick the bucket that’s all we really have anyway though. I don’t want to live a life that I will regret when its done. I want to change the world.

“I don’t want to become a product of my environment, I want my environment to become a product of me”

And now she’s talking about getting an abortion??

I mean, why threaten me with that? Why attempt to draw me into that??

Silly child.

oh, and by the way, YES i do know the pictures have absolutely nothing to fucking do with the post whatsoever... so... shut up about the shit... sheesh.